The Traitor
by Qelinor
Summary: After-35th episode. That sums it up pretty well. Kunzite pondering about what has happened. Just who is the guilty party?


Another angsty piece on this eternal topic  
  
The Traitor  
  
Ich gab dir alles  
  
Meine Seele und mein Licht  
  
Doch wo bist du jetzt  
  
Ich seh' nur dein Gesicht...  
  
L'ame Immortelle, "Ich Gab Dir Alles"  
  
There was no pain like it. Yes, I stammered something about forgiveness, but my words trailed off futile and wan. It's-my-fault, ran a constant chant through my mind. I could have saved you. But I didn't. And now I drag my being through days of humiliation and nights of anguish, raked on the bitter memories, on the blazing memories where you scream and fall, you writhe, you cry...  
  
you smile.  
  
How strange, to think of it. What was there to smile at? A parting? An end? An endless nothingness that is Death? For I firmly believe that the Aftermath_ is final, otherwise the thoughts of posthumous redemption would have driven me mad. And I suffer enough through mere existence now, when you don't exist anymore. You... don't suffer?  
  
Maybe it was escape. From this cruel world of cruel justice and violence. You were always too impatient for your own good, you were just incapable of endurance. You were so reckless as if you sought chance - and a chance came.  
  
So, you've chosen the easiest way to terminate every pain. You fled, my love, leaving me behind. So it's you who betrayed.  
  
The warrior code excludes surrender, no matter how grievous circumstances are. And you was breaking one law after another. On top of that, you mistrusted your liege.  
  
Now when the golden haze of your charms has faded away I wonder how I could ever consider you equal, or worthy of the Shitennou rank. I loved you too much. I want to smash that picture where you smile so light-mindedly.  
  
And the most awful thing is that I want to complete your endeavour and send Endymion to his ancestors. If you had succeeded in it I could have believed that you assassinated a person valuable for the Kingdom. But you failed, and now I'm in doubt. A doubt in the rightness of my Mistress. It is terrifying.  
  
Why? Why has she brought him here? He is of no use with those chivalry moods of his. Yet she would not see or hear anything, and the thoughts the Queen's eyes when he stands in her presence are clearly readable, and they are not royal ones.  
  
A warrior ought to heed his master's command without a doubt or reproach. Because the Queen is the embodiment of the Goddess on earth, the supreme power. The Queen takes care of the Kingdom. The Queen has no right for a mistake. The Queen cannot be partial.  
  
Warrior code tears at seams, crumbles beneath my feet as I watch Beryl betray her nation and her Goddess. Did you see it and lose your faith as I do now? Did you ever have faith at all? I don't know. I don't know. Did I know you at all? Did I try? Did I care?  
  
But I have... loved you?..  
  
I dig in my memories as a miser woken up in the night by a paranoid fear - but all his precious stones turn into glass; every gesture, every word appears just a way to bind you, to make you stay.  
  
I shared bits of advice - when you came crying and asked me for help. And though I foresaw your troubles I would smirk and wait till you run into them.  
  
I presented you with roses - when you could forgive and turn blind eye no more and moved away.  
  
I took over your task - when I realized that I were loosing authority at the court and it's high time to remind the Queen of me. Oh, that was even flattering to see how grateful you were to me for exactly the same thing, for which you had killed Nephrite.  
  
The last fortress of the past convictions falls, the last opportunity to lay guilt somewhere else. Now I can divide what was fair or unjust... for what this knowledge is worth when my chance to restore justice is gone - through my fault. On what ground should I stand now, alone?  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Zoisito! I follow you!"  
  
To nowhere. If I only believed...  
  
~oware 


End file.
